The Heroes In My Closet

I have just released my first children's book for those of you out there that care. The book is titled The Heroes In My Closet. It is a magical adventure story about a boy that finds out through a series of twisted events that monsters do exist, but in doing so he also discovers that his parents are trained to battle them.

I wrote the book using rhyming prose and it has a similar feel to books by Roald Dahl, Dr. Seuss, and Shel Silverstein. The illustrations have Tim Burton written all over them. I found the illustrator, Alexandre Joseph, in Paris as an aspiring young artist. He depicts the story to perfection through imagery, tones, and colors. To find out more you should go to either www.bratstory.com or it's facebook page at this link: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Heroes-In-My-Closet/223187884405967

If you enjoy it give it a like. Thank you for the support!

image printing packaging limited Bad

Image printing packaging limited is a scam. Do not use them. They put all their money into your first copy of your book and then they lie and tell you that the rest of the copies will look the same and be the same quality. They make way cheaper versions. I would not recommend ever using them.

River Trekking in Korea

Korea is so perverse in some senses. I don't think the country understands how valuable sleep is. If there is one country that really coins the phrase "you can sleep when your dead," it is Korea. Another thing Koreans need to understand is the vast difference between beginner, intermediate, and advanced by the universal standard. For example if a Korean travel group says that a hike will be for beginners realize that this saying is comparable to your parents telling you santa clause exists because it is furthest from the truth. There is no such thing as santa clause or a beginners level hike in Korea. Every mountain that came to be in Korea shot straight up and is going to be a mix between hiking and rock climbing. I don't think any others exist. Secondly if a korean says the words intermediate hike BEWARE. This hike will most likely be hiking Everest or some kind of endurance hike where the Koreans hike straight up for 8 hours without a single break. Now if you're dealing with water it is completely the opposite. If they say that the rapids in the river are for advanced rafters then imagine a lazy river in a water park and multiply it by two. You will be lucky if the river is even moving. I went after a giant rain storm to the supposed grand canyon of Korea. They told us that the water was very dangerous that day and it reminded me of one of those rides in disney land like It's a Small World After All where you are strapped in and don't feel a single bump. I almost fell asleep at one point I think....no no it was fun but honestly when it's dealing with water the Koreans have no idea how to rate it. When it deals with hiking always presume that it is one hundred times more difficult than they lead you to believe. If they say bring one bottle of water bring twelve gallons of water and as much food as possible because most likely you will be doing something similar to one of the episodes of survivor man. Oh and I'm not talking about the new sissy Bear in "Man vs. Wild," who has his own camera man and intentionally throws himself into harms way to show you how to get out of situations. That is how you can tell he isn't really vs. the wild in fact I'm sure his camera man is eating a snickers bar half the time and chugging energy water or red bulls. He is in no real danger in the show and we know this because he has to throw himself into quick sand or a pit of tar to show us how to survive it. The original man (who didn't have his own camera man) in the show Surviver Man was dropped off in the middle of no where with barely anything and then he had to actually try and survive. He had no idea where an exit point was and he had to use some of his energy setting up the camera to film himself because of shots the network wanted. I saw him eat the leather on his bag to survive one time. He wasn't like "hey there's a group of hungry polar bears let me show you how to survive if you happen to cut your own chest with a knife and accidently throw yourself into the middle of them naked. Man Vs. Wild reminds me of a real version of Jim Carrey as the fire safety marshall in living color. Sorry about that quick tangent but it needed to be said. Anyways expect the worst and always and I mean always count on no sleep. So, Lauren and I just recently went on a river trekking trip that told us it was a beginners to intermediate hike. The hike said to make sure to only bring one small water bottle and a lunch. With that being said let me tell you the trip. We left Seoul at 11 at night on a bus and drove till 4:38 in the morning. I didn't get any sleep because of this German and Russian guy trying to meet each other in English all night. I don't think they learned how to ever whisper and the Russian decided to express over and over again how and I quote

"I HEARD GERMANS ARE REALLY PARTY PEOPLE LIKE THEY REALLY LIKE TO PARTY" He said it around a hundred times and that with the movie they decided to watch....yes you heard correctly...for those that hated sleep they could enjoy a movie on the bus. For those of us that wanted to sleep we got to enjoy the sound and glare of the TV. With that being said I got little to no sleep. We got to the mountain and didn't break or anything we just began hiking down into what I thought was a valley. After thirty minutes our leader realized he had taken us the wrong way. We hiked back the way we came and arrived at the nightmare bus again. This time though we went on the correct path which was a stairway that went straight up the mountain. I know I am bad at remembering details sometimes but honestly I know the difference between a stairway straight up and a nice gradual decline into a valley. So we had a little wake us up hike before we went straight to the top of this mountain with hardly any stops. We made it to the top after about four hours and then hiked down the other side for about one hour. We finally came to the river trekking which was gorgeous. We went through pool after pool with beautiful waterfalls. Natural water slides littered the river and the nature was unfathomable. I was jumping off cliffs and into crystal clear refreshing water. Remember that whole one water bottle thing though. Well everyone ran out of water and began drinking from the waterfalls which we didn't know if it was safe but we knew that we had been hiking now for eight hours and had to drink something for the next six hours. Some of the girls almost began giving up. This one girl had fallen so many times and some of the climbing was very difficult. At one point we were swinging on a rope like cliff hanger that was being held by the leader of the group. If he slipped you died basically. It was pretty crazy...I guess beginner means repelling down slippery cliff faces and advanced rock climbing straight up. By the ninth hour we had three injuries. One girl had fallen and hit her head on a rock the other had slipped and slid down the river and scraped her entire right side and bruised the hell out of her left arm, and the final girl had cut open her knee by falling on loose rocks....her leg by the eighth hour resembled a peg legged pirate because she swung it lifelessly most likely because it had gone numb. Some girl even began crying. Anyways it was an amazing experience but we only got a break for about an hour and a half and we got back to the buses at 7:50 PM. So a beginners hike that was supposed to be only eight hours total ended up taking around 15 and a half hours. So I'd say fourteen hours of straight hiking. So just remember to pack smart. I had no problem other than feeling like a zombie but a lot of others did. So I hope this helps you in understanding how Koreans rate activities.

Doctor Fish

If you get the chance in Korea I would highly recommend indulging in doctor fish. Doctor fish used to be very prominent in Korea but then one doctor had to go ruin it all and say how dangerous and unhealthy it was. So now doctor fish are a little hard to come across. I'm sure they were as easy to find as a Christian church or a Nori Bong (Karaoke singing booths)...well maybe not that easy. Anyways they have shut down in tons of places but the one I went to was in Seoul and still operational. I walked into the coffee shop on the second floor and asked for doctor fish. The place had a nice decor and the doctor fish looked like they were no where to be scene but alas I saw an area that looked like it might have tubs of water. They did and now I will tell you how it works. You pay two dollars and then dip your bare feet into a tub of water containing hundreds of fish eagerly awaiting your dirty feet. They eat off the dead skin on the bottom of your feet and it is one of the greatest experiences in Korea I have had so far. It tickles almost to much to bare at first but then you get used to it and you can sit back and just enjoy. There is a video below so I hope you enjoy.

Directions: Go to Gangnam station on the green line. Exit # 6....walk straight out and keep walking until you are directly opposite of the CGV movie theatre. The place is a coffee shop on the second floor and it has a green sign with a tree in it's logo

Korea Epic Company Parties

Korea has been going great, each weekend has been exponentially greater than the last. It is getting nice and hot outside which means my body is coming out of hibernation and getting into action. I enjoy gaining my winter layer of blubber and sleeping as much as possible. Now that the sun is shining again my body feels alive. Last night was very interesting indeed so I decided to write about it. I have some kind of problem with terrible bosses. My first boss was arrested twice at work with men wearing bullet proof vests. That is a whole nother story though. My newest boss who is manipulative and incompetent reeks of management material. We had a dinner last night for three of the korean teachers that were jumping ship (quitting Avalon). If I haven't told you yet the boss of the whole school loves to drink. Korea is a true drinking culture and it shines the most when you eat with your head boss and he does at least ten shots in a row. I expected it so I came prepared. I will tell you a quick trick that will most likely save your life in Korea at these company dinners if you are a light weight. This only works at Korean BBQ restaurants mind you. There is a clear cold seaweed soup that has a broth that tastes like cherry Koolaid. When no one is looking dip your shot glass inside and you're set! I would recommend doing it after the third or fourth shot when no one is paying attention to what anyone else is doing. Anyways, after about 10 shots at the table my boss began telling us about his enormous flat screen plasma TV. This is the boss that got caught by his wife for having 60 GB of porn on his external hard drive so now you can assume that his character is top notch. So he proceeds to tell us that watching porn on this mammoth screen feels like you're really there so much so that he actually tries to touch the screen and get in on the action. I don't know about you but when I'm watching TV, the times I like my TV to make me feel like I'm actually there is when it's showing a video of an island paradise, India, or diving in the red sea. The last place I want it to "feel like your actually there" is in between a man penetrating a woman with terrible 70's music in the background. Who in their right mind would want to feel like they were actually there. Naturally when your having a very professional comfortable conversation about porn with your boss you ask him what his favorite type of porno is. His answer was quite possibly the highlight of Korea for me. He told me he enjoyed American porn the most. Of course I followed with why and his answer astonished me. Because, and I quote "I love how big the American penises are, and on my TV it makes them look even bigger!" I know sometimes working relationships are comfortable between boss and employee but correct me if I'm wrong...I'm pretty sure you don't talk about things like that with your boss. Anyways I died laughing for an hour and then laughed even more when the head of the school got up to give a speech seeing as though after twenty shots he had shape shifted into Lucifer. The mans face looked like satan himself, red as a lobster and his eyes were practically shut. I wish I could speak Korean better because I'm sure his speech was nonsense. Anyways I am going to the mini wonders of the world tomorrow so I will be sure to post on how ridiculous it is. I hope everyone is doing well and I hope you are still enjoying the blog. Sorry I haven't posted for awhile.

Things That Annoy Me In Korea

Korea is an amazing country and it deserves more credit than it receives but there are a couple of things that really annoy me in Korea.

First off elevators. The Koreans as a race do not understand elevators. You think it would be easy to get...an up button a down button and you push the button for which way you want to go.....no Koreans will push the up button if they are on the fourth floor and they want to go to the first floor. So when the elevator reaches the fifth floor there are people waiting for me to get on so they can ride it down with me.....I don't know if Koreans simply enjoy riding the elevator, maybe it is their own little slice of disney land "the tower of doom" or if they fear that if they don't get on the elevator on the fourth floor it will pass them on the way back down. Regardless of where Koreans want to go they will push both buttons as if to deceive the other travelers of their true destination. I really don't understand it but I know that going from the first floor to the fifth floor takes ten minutes longer than it should with people getting on at every floor. Another great thing they do is they forget to push the button for the elevator to stop at the floor. You will literally be in a line of about ten people waiting to get on the elevator until you watch the elevator pass you by. Then you look at the buttons and none of them are pushed. Koreans understand touch phones and computers but when it comes to elevators they are like "what is the maddening technology. Up and down buttons to take you to different floors....ludicrous." I think Korea is the only country that should sit their children down and have a training course for elevators. They will get a little certificate that says they are capable of operating the elevators "deceiving and complicated controls." I think only then should Koreans be allowed to ride elevators.

Another thing that annoys me in Korea is the sirens and constant sound. The history of Korea is extensive but let me break down the short version. Korea lead an isolationist policy in the 19th century. Korea was occupied by Japan who did terrible things to them almost as bad as what Hitler did to the Jews. They never talk about it but it happened and Japan still wont apologize for it. (research it if you want). World War 2 and the Korean War happened and Korea became divided into two zones. Russian occupied North which became communist and American occupied South which became democratic. Shortly after that speakers were invented and were introduced to Koreans. That is when the democratic south decided that it was necessary to wire every inch of South Korea with loud speakers. They enjoyed speakers so much that they made it mandatory for every fruit truck to have loud speakers on them. So the morning has never been so much fun. Every morning I wake up to fruit trucks that I image sound the same as the Nazis attacking. Sirens that sound very similar to bomb raid sirens sing symphonies over the beautiful pristine landscape of Korea. I think if North Korea actually attacked Koreans would have no clue because every morning sounds like we are being invaded. Imagine waking up to bomb raid sirens with fruit trucks screaming some foreign language at you. For the first few months I ran outside in my boxers with my hands up assuming that it was over for me and I chose the wrong country to teach in. Yep it's great...and the only place that I have found without music playing was on top of a mountain and a river trekking hike I went on. You have to really dig into nature to get away from it. Pop music plays from every corner of Korea....it would be comparable to Americans enjoying elevator music so much that they would say "hey why don't we play this music throughout the entire land every day." We can just hook these speakers up to all the light polls" Then old Jim Bob said "Well shucks Billy that right there might be the brightest idear I've heard since that Joseph Smith told us about Mormonism." Regardless it is really annoying and highly unnecessary. I don't like hearing background music everywhere I go and if I wanted to know what was the hottest most horrific pop song on the charts right now I simply need to step outside.

Super Heroes

Its funny how we always imagine abilities in the laziest of manners. Superman's gift of flight and indestructible body was given to him at birth. To fly Superman must exhort no physical effort, and flying around the world doesn't make him even break a sweat. To depict Superman realistically he should be wheezing and coughing up blood after circling the Earth. The truth is that powers in our mind are the same as hitting the lottery. It is a goal that is attained without no real effort. We have this perpetual belief that something will happen to us by sitting on a sofa. It reiterates our laziness as a society. Hitting the lottery gives you millions without ever working for it as does gaining a power from a freak accident that requires no exertion. Powers in comics seem more entertaining if they are accompanied with no hard work and perseverance. We idolize the work free life style and fantasize about its existence. It is our escape from our bleak reality. This is where superman and other heroes annoy me. Who is the winner of a jackpot to decide who lives and who dies. They have no real character until they began their journey. It takes a great man to realize his mistakes and try and correct them. Knowing that he has made mistakes in the first place shows his character that he is not bad but has chosen wrongly. In fact Villains are the ones who go through some terrible trial that creates character. Take Lex Luthor and Superman....Lex Luthar was a very intelligent man who had drive and vision. He was smarter than 99 percent of our population and worked hard for his goals. Superman is very naive and just figures he has these powers so he handles Lex as an adolescent teenager would. He underestimates his enemy. Lex Luthor takes advantage of that point and that is why the battles are most often won by Lex Luthor himself. Superman wins the war because the people love a hero. Humanity helps him in some way and takes down the "evil villain". We depict the hero as a dumb jock that walks blindly into traps being naive and even arrogant in his mannerisms. Why is it that we depict our heroes as the idiots that we say are wise but they always get tricked. Most of the times the villains are the intelligent ones. They devise elaborate plans for their success....each move is calculated precisely and executed. It is like we are sending the message to be an idiot or you'll be a villain. On the other hand we are rewarding the half retarded lottery superhero that obsesses over a woman that he couldn't get before the powers. Lets give hope to all the stalkers out there. Thats a good message. I think the underlying messages here are very perverse. I talked about this with my girlfriend and she brought up the fact that we also portray the Devil as an intelligent God of the Underworld. In many of the stories God is tricked by the cunningly clever Devil. Now the Devil would normally win after he executes his plan....but again just like the other stories one of Gods servants that he had faith in saves him. I know that usually we say in these stories that God is really just testing someone he loves and at any time he could escape from the Devils evil scheme. I guess in a way it is making humanity realize that the good guy needs help in return. That all of us are important and have the ability to help a man with incredible powers. Maybe even that everyone no matter how powerful they are can't save the world and may need our help from time to time. I know their are plenty of cases that probably contradict what I just said but if you think about it you will understand the picture I'm trying to depict.