My Name Zachery

This blog entry is dedicated to my mother and father.

So my mom and dad fortunately gave me the name Zachery.  Sounds sweet right like it just rolls off the tongue.  Let me tell you a little history of my name.  I spelled my name Zachary ever since I was capable of doing so.  The natural stages of life are that you are born, your parents teach you your name, and you learn how to spell that name over and over and over again.  Zachary...Zachary...Zachary...Zachary.  

Lets fast forward to my eighteenth birthday.  I am riding in a bus in a stupor looking through the window with a smile that looks as though it had been plastered upon my face.  The fall leaves were painting a blurred Van Gogh piece that humbly suited the situation.  What situation you ask?  ahhh an adolescent boy was about to receive his identification card that stated to the world of his newly acquired manhood....MY LICENCE.  I arrived at the DMV to receive my highly anticipated drivers license.  Everything went accordingly until the woman said something that took me off guard "Sir I will give you your license once you spell your name correctly."  Ahh I must have been too excited in my dreaming state that I spelled it wrong.  I looked at the paper and their before me as glorious as it had always been stood my beautiful name Zachary Lawrence Nims.  I smiled and told the nice woman that the joke was up and for her to hand over my well deserved license after assuring her that my name was spelled perfectly.  She then proceeded to tell me that if I wouldn't spell my name right then she wouldn't give me my license and that she wasn't playing around.  I called my mom immediately crying on the phone explaining to her that they had let a woman from "one flew over the cuckoo's nest" man the window at the DMV.  My mother endearingly asked me what the problem was and so I told her which is when my mother fell silent upon the phone.  My whimpers and tears subsided some realizing that their may be some truth to what the wacko had told me.  "Well actually your dad spelled your name wrong on the birth certificate and your real name is Zachery.  I really didn't think that would matter."  Prepare to be ridiculed for the rest of your adult life...my parents had just dropped a bombshell upon my head with no fall out shelter plan.  Zachary...Zachary....Zachary the familiar and loved a had just been changed to an e.  How would I cope with my newly acquired name.  I should have taken a stand then and there and fought for my name that I had come to know, love, and have a beautiful relationship with.  Me being young though I spelled my new alien name on the paper and my name along with my self respect died at the DMV.  You hear horror stories about the DMV all the time but I doubt you have heard such a terrible tale as this.  So afterwards what naturally followed was me being called an idiot for not knowing how to spell my name right after eighteen years.  Thank you mom and dad for when it rains it pours and you caused a freaking typhoon.  So now lets fast forward to today.  Zach is luckily one of the most universally mispronounced name in the entire world.  I would also like to thank my parents for that little fact.   Lets go over what I have heard so far.  The spanish pronounce it Fack.  You might as well call me fag because that is what every other american hears that is with me.  The Mexicans pronounce it Sack.  I think it is good to be associated with something that is below the penis and gathers most of the disgusting sweat.  The Koreans pronounce it Jack...I even had the uncomfortable situation happen the other day where a Korean said its so funny you spell Jack with a Z.  I have never met a Jack spelled Zack.  It is very original.  So let me just to a quick recap.  I am either a homosexual, a testicle holder, or the name of a homosexual lumber jack.  So I guess I would have to thank my parents for this but hey I guess it is always interesting to see what new name I acquire in every new country I travel to and also the new ridicule I receive because of it.

Aliens

In doing blogs you are supposed to also put ideas that you have down.  So I am going to write on my favorite topic.

My ideas on aliens.  First off aliens do exist.  It is mans arrogance to conclude that earth is the only planet in the entire universe that could have spawned life.  Their are some people that feed you this jargon about how earth is such a miracle planet because of it's perfect distance from the sun.  Study science to an elementary level and you will realize that this is the biggest load of crap you have ever heard.  The earth is actually slowly being pushed away from the sun not toward the sun and eventually the earth will die and another planet will take its place.  People know that because the sun consists of 99.5% of the mass of our universe that its gravitational pull is greater therefore bringing the earth into the sun...this is true but the orbit is what is keeping us from crashing into the sun.  The centrifugal and centripetal forces form a near equilibrium, with a slight advantage to the centrifugal push of obriting.  So our Earth is ever so slightly being pushed away from the sun not toward it.  In the universe that we know ninety percent of the planets are the same distance away from another sun and have a similar rotation pattern around it.  Aliens exist and life exists...get over yourselves earth is not that special.  We were not chosen by god...and if we were then god enjoys raping the rest of the natural world and is as barbaric as Genghis Khan.  So that being said I have always thought it would be really cool if we found out that aliens are actually us from the future going on sightseeing tours of different times.  We have some kind of ride to see "OBAMA'S INAUGURATION SPEACH"  ONLY NINE MILLION DOLLARS FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY!!!  So any historic event that we want to see we travel back in time to with our crazy cameras to capture it and only rarely has their been a crash landing where the government found out and covered it up for fear of screwing with the whole space time continuum and our golden future.  Another idea that I have about aliens and earth is that honestly we are far less advanced than they are so they just send drones to document our progression.  The reason why they don't come down is because Im sure their are a lot of other planets they have to check on and communicate with.  We are kind of the odd ones out.  My third hypothesis is that maybe the entire universe is filled with beings that can't figure out how to travel from planet to planet quickly.  My final idea about aliens is that we have not communicated with them because we are investing way to much money in an obsolete technology.  Lets say everyone communicates from planet to planet.  Do you think they would send out a radio frequency that would take a million years to arrive?  I think that they communicate with beams of light and we have yet to invent a technology that will pick up the encoded information.  Take the NASA footage for example.  The footage of the astronauts has uncovered a third anomaly...you can watch this online....they have no idea what it is but they call it the third phenomenon on the NASA footage.  When they slowed down the footage and split a single second into 46 different frames they would see different colored beams that scientists couldn't explain.  Astronauts have reported physically seeing the anomaly on shuttle missions.  They don't know what it is...well I think it is all the information that is constantly being sent to us saying "WAKE THE HELL UP AND STOP SCANNING THE SKIES FOR RADIO WAVES!  THE WHOLE UNIVERSE IS TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT BUT WE CANT IF YOUR GOING TO BE A BUNCH OF INCOMPETENT IDIOTS."  So that is my ideas on aliens...obviously I think the idea of us being the aliens and traveling back in time for sightseeing adventures is just a cool thought and not as logical as the others.  The most logical answer to aliens is that they choose not to communicate with us for we have raped our own planet so badly and are soon to be extinct so their is no time to get us in line.  We would try and attack them if they tried to help us because thats what we do best.  If there is anything that our history has taught, which they have most likely documented, is that we shoot first and ask questions later.  I think Ill leave the alien topic with one final question that you ask and discuss at your next dinner party.  It is a question I often ask myself.  Do you think Aliens enjoy facebook?

Dogs in Korea and a little on Cats

I have an hypothesis about the evolution of dogs.  I will not speak of the evolution of cats because nobody with any self respect enjoys cats more than dogs.  To settle the long winded debate of dogs vs. cats,  I will make two valid points that will abolish the discussion once and for all.  Dogs have saved humans throughout history, something cats are not capable of doing.  Dogs make, the lazy Americans we have become, go outside and do a little thing I like to call exercise.  You have to physically take your dog for a walk and most decent human beings that own dogs end up stumbling across beautiful paradises that they would have never known existed if they hadn't had a dog.  Sometimes dogs taking your dog for a walk can even lead to a meaningful relationship.  I think cats are for artistic chicks, and chicks that never go out.  They are the same chicks that trap you in their environment and you being stupid think that its fun for the first couple months until you realize that they are socially retarded and you are starting to become a hermit yourself.  If you think I am wrong try and bring one of these girls out with your friends and watch her bring up a conversation about her stuffed animal or some ridiculous conversation that only you can relate to that also leaves no room for further discussion.  If I have learned anything in life it is that you don't date a girl that loves cats.  The reason why their is such rumors as an old lady with lots of cats is because they do exist and every man with a bit of integrity walked away from them which Im sure they sulked about for a week before replacing that sadness with another cat that loves them.  These women end up turning into those cat women who have about a million cats.  Luckily their is no law against how many cats people can own but I consider those women the same as the women you see that get busted on TV for having baby factories to receive welfare checks.  Those ones where you almost start crying because twenty babies are on the floor with oatmeal on the ground near them and the mothers are addicted to crack...Yeah well they are equal.  Have you smelt a house with one cat?  Their is a reason that the chemicals in the litter box have to be that potent.  I imagine the smell of the crack baby house would smell better than the smell of the cat ladies house....alright well I went on for far to long.  My hypothesis about dogs is that they will eventually learn to talk.  We have taken away their need to hunt and find a secure home.  So all of their primitive needs have been vanquished.  Is all they really have to do now is hang around us all day and learn.  They are constantly showing dogs that can understand more and more vocabulary, which makes me conclude that eventually they will be able to voice themselves in the distant future.  Look on youtube you can find dogs that have already begun to talk here and there.  My second hypothesis is that at least in Korea dogs are going to start losing hair as humans did.  Koreans insist on dressing their dogs in cute little clothes so that they will look cute and keep warm...if they keep on dressing them up then they will have no need for their thick coats anymore.  Dogs are following the same evolutional steps as mankind once did.  Here is a perfect example of dogs in Korea.  

Toilets in Korea

One word of advice for those of you that are deciding to go to Korea; bring toilet paper wherever you go unless you enjoy like I do finding interesting items to wipe with.  

One of the most enjoyable parts of my day is the wonder and anticipation that I feel when walking the fifty or so feet to the bathroom.  We have an incredible amount of artistic students sorry I guess I should say modern artists attending the Avalon school.  They are on the cutting edge and the guile shown in their art is literally breathtaking.  The reason being that the children like animals use their own feces to portray their visions.  Some pieces are more abstract than others, and some I feel that the children are using scent to display their ingenious message.  Sometimes it is as though the entire stall was a dedication to the sistine chapel itself, other times....well other times it just looks like shit.  I don't remember using my finger as a paint brush and my poop as paint but then again I was never that good of an artist.  

One other information about bathrooms in Korea while we are at it.  The women's bathrooms happen to have a phallic bar of soap sitting by the sink in every bathroom.  The shaft of soap so to speak is very elegantly placed on a metal bar and requires the women to use numerous "grips" to acquire it.   So walking by the women's bathroom can sometimes be quite erotic when you see them fighting over a single shaft and each of them is heaving and tugging until their hands are filled with the substance that they desire.  I took a picture of a brand new one so it doesn't give quite the effect but it is hard for a man to take a picture in the women's bathroom.  Trust me though, within a week that poor baby will be "jerked" into a beautiful penis.  I guess the men in Korea figured it was what women ideally wanted in a soap and also maybe they thought that some women could use some practice.