The Heroes In My Closet

I have just released my first children's book for those of you out there that care. The book is titled The Heroes In My Closet. It is a magical adventure story about a boy that finds out through a series of twisted events that monsters do exist, but in doing so he also discovers that his parents are trained to battle them.

I wrote the book using rhyming prose and it has a similar feel to books by Roald Dahl, Dr. Seuss, and Shel Silverstein. The illustrations have Tim Burton written all over them. I found the illustrator, Alexandre Joseph, in Paris as an aspiring young artist. He depicts the story to perfection through imagery, tones, and colors. To find out more you should go to either www.bratstory.com or it's facebook page at this link: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Heroes-In-My-Closet/223187884405967

If you enjoy it give it a like. Thank you for the support!

image printing packaging limited Bad

Image printing packaging limited is a scam. Do not use them. They put all their money into your first copy of your book and then they lie and tell you that the rest of the copies will look the same and be the same quality. They make way cheaper versions. I would not recommend ever using them.

River Trekking in Korea

Korea is so perverse in some senses. I don't think the country understands how valuable sleep is. If there is one country that really coins the phrase "you can sleep when your dead," it is Korea. Another thing Koreans need to understand is the vast difference between beginner, intermediate, and advanced by the universal standard. For example if a Korean travel group says that a hike will be for beginners realize that this saying is comparable to your parents telling you santa clause exists because it is furthest from the truth. There is no such thing as santa clause or a beginners level hike in Korea. Every mountain that came to be in Korea shot straight up and is going to be a mix between hiking and rock climbing. I don't think any others exist. Secondly if a korean says the words intermediate hike BEWARE. This hike will most likely be hiking Everest or some kind of endurance hike where the Koreans hike straight up for 8 hours without a single break. Now if you're dealing with water it is completely the opposite. If they say that the rapids in the river are for advanced rafters then imagine a lazy river in a water park and multiply it by two. You will be lucky if the river is even moving. I went after a giant rain storm to the supposed grand canyon of Korea. They told us that the water was very dangerous that day and it reminded me of one of those rides in disney land like It's a Small World After All where you are strapped in and don't feel a single bump. I almost fell asleep at one point I think....no no it was fun but honestly when it's dealing with water the Koreans have no idea how to rate it. When it deals with hiking always presume that it is one hundred times more difficult than they lead you to believe. If they say bring one bottle of water bring twelve gallons of water and as much food as possible because most likely you will be doing something similar to one of the episodes of survivor man. Oh and I'm not talking about the new sissy Bear in "Man vs. Wild," who has his own camera man and intentionally throws himself into harms way to show you how to get out of situations. That is how you can tell he isn't really vs. the wild in fact I'm sure his camera man is eating a snickers bar half the time and chugging energy water or red bulls. He is in no real danger in the show and we know this because he has to throw himself into quick sand or a pit of tar to show us how to survive it. The original man (who didn't have his own camera man) in the show Surviver Man was dropped off in the middle of no where with barely anything and then he had to actually try and survive. He had no idea where an exit point was and he had to use some of his energy setting up the camera to film himself because of shots the network wanted. I saw him eat the leather on his bag to survive one time. He wasn't like "hey there's a group of hungry polar bears let me show you how to survive if you happen to cut your own chest with a knife and accidently throw yourself into the middle of them naked. Man Vs. Wild reminds me of a real version of Jim Carrey as the fire safety marshall in living color. Sorry about that quick tangent but it needed to be said. Anyways expect the worst and always and I mean always count on no sleep. So, Lauren and I just recently went on a river trekking trip that told us it was a beginners to intermediate hike. The hike said to make sure to only bring one small water bottle and a lunch. With that being said let me tell you the trip. We left Seoul at 11 at night on a bus and drove till 4:38 in the morning. I didn't get any sleep because of this German and Russian guy trying to meet each other in English all night. I don't think they learned how to ever whisper and the Russian decided to express over and over again how and I quote

"I HEARD GERMANS ARE REALLY PARTY PEOPLE LIKE THEY REALLY LIKE TO PARTY" He said it around a hundred times and that with the movie they decided to watch....yes you heard correctly...for those that hated sleep they could enjoy a movie on the bus. For those of us that wanted to sleep we got to enjoy the sound and glare of the TV. With that being said I got little to no sleep. We got to the mountain and didn't break or anything we just began hiking down into what I thought was a valley. After thirty minutes our leader realized he had taken us the wrong way. We hiked back the way we came and arrived at the nightmare bus again. This time though we went on the correct path which was a stairway that went straight up the mountain. I know I am bad at remembering details sometimes but honestly I know the difference between a stairway straight up and a nice gradual decline into a valley. So we had a little wake us up hike before we went straight to the top of this mountain with hardly any stops. We made it to the top after about four hours and then hiked down the other side for about one hour. We finally came to the river trekking which was gorgeous. We went through pool after pool with beautiful waterfalls. Natural water slides littered the river and the nature was unfathomable. I was jumping off cliffs and into crystal clear refreshing water. Remember that whole one water bottle thing though. Well everyone ran out of water and began drinking from the waterfalls which we didn't know if it was safe but we knew that we had been hiking now for eight hours and had to drink something for the next six hours. Some of the girls almost began giving up. This one girl had fallen so many times and some of the climbing was very difficult. At one point we were swinging on a rope like cliff hanger that was being held by the leader of the group. If he slipped you died basically. It was pretty crazy...I guess beginner means repelling down slippery cliff faces and advanced rock climbing straight up. By the ninth hour we had three injuries. One girl had fallen and hit her head on a rock the other had slipped and slid down the river and scraped her entire right side and bruised the hell out of her left arm, and the final girl had cut open her knee by falling on loose rocks....her leg by the eighth hour resembled a peg legged pirate because she swung it lifelessly most likely because it had gone numb. Some girl even began crying. Anyways it was an amazing experience but we only got a break for about an hour and a half and we got back to the buses at 7:50 PM. So a beginners hike that was supposed to be only eight hours total ended up taking around 15 and a half hours. So I'd say fourteen hours of straight hiking. So just remember to pack smart. I had no problem other than feeling like a zombie but a lot of others did. So I hope this helps you in understanding how Koreans rate activities.

Doctor Fish

If you get the chance in Korea I would highly recommend indulging in doctor fish. Doctor fish used to be very prominent in Korea but then one doctor had to go ruin it all and say how dangerous and unhealthy it was. So now doctor fish are a little hard to come across. I'm sure they were as easy to find as a Christian church or a Nori Bong (Karaoke singing booths)...well maybe not that easy. Anyways they have shut down in tons of places but the one I went to was in Seoul and still operational. I walked into the coffee shop on the second floor and asked for doctor fish. The place had a nice decor and the doctor fish looked like they were no where to be scene but alas I saw an area that looked like it might have tubs of water. They did and now I will tell you how it works. You pay two dollars and then dip your bare feet into a tub of water containing hundreds of fish eagerly awaiting your dirty feet. They eat off the dead skin on the bottom of your feet and it is one of the greatest experiences in Korea I have had so far. It tickles almost to much to bare at first but then you get used to it and you can sit back and just enjoy. There is a video below so I hope you enjoy.

Directions: Go to Gangnam station on the green line. Exit # 6....walk straight out and keep walking until you are directly opposite of the CGV movie theatre. The place is a coffee shop on the second floor and it has a green sign with a tree in it's logo

Korea Epic Company Parties

Korea has been going great, each weekend has been exponentially greater than the last. It is getting nice and hot outside which means my body is coming out of hibernation and getting into action. I enjoy gaining my winter layer of blubber and sleeping as much as possible. Now that the sun is shining again my body feels alive. Last night was very interesting indeed so I decided to write about it. I have some kind of problem with terrible bosses. My first boss was arrested twice at work with men wearing bullet proof vests. That is a whole nother story though. My newest boss who is manipulative and incompetent reeks of management material. We had a dinner last night for three of the korean teachers that were jumping ship (quitting Avalon). If I haven't told you yet the boss of the whole school loves to drink. Korea is a true drinking culture and it shines the most when you eat with your head boss and he does at least ten shots in a row. I expected it so I came prepared. I will tell you a quick trick that will most likely save your life in Korea at these company dinners if you are a light weight. This only works at Korean BBQ restaurants mind you. There is a clear cold seaweed soup that has a broth that tastes like cherry Koolaid. When no one is looking dip your shot glass inside and you're set! I would recommend doing it after the third or fourth shot when no one is paying attention to what anyone else is doing. Anyways, after about 10 shots at the table my boss began telling us about his enormous flat screen plasma TV. This is the boss that got caught by his wife for having 60 GB of porn on his external hard drive so now you can assume that his character is top notch. So he proceeds to tell us that watching porn on this mammoth screen feels like you're really there so much so that he actually tries to touch the screen and get in on the action. I don't know about you but when I'm watching TV, the times I like my TV to make me feel like I'm actually there is when it's showing a video of an island paradise, India, or diving in the red sea. The last place I want it to "feel like your actually there" is in between a man penetrating a woman with terrible 70's music in the background. Who in their right mind would want to feel like they were actually there. Naturally when your having a very professional comfortable conversation about porn with your boss you ask him what his favorite type of porno is. His answer was quite possibly the highlight of Korea for me. He told me he enjoyed American porn the most. Of course I followed with why and his answer astonished me. Because, and I quote "I love how big the American penises are, and on my TV it makes them look even bigger!" I know sometimes working relationships are comfortable between boss and employee but correct me if I'm wrong...I'm pretty sure you don't talk about things like that with your boss. Anyways I died laughing for an hour and then laughed even more when the head of the school got up to give a speech seeing as though after twenty shots he had shape shifted into Lucifer. The mans face looked like satan himself, red as a lobster and his eyes were practically shut. I wish I could speak Korean better because I'm sure his speech was nonsense. Anyways I am going to the mini wonders of the world tomorrow so I will be sure to post on how ridiculous it is. I hope everyone is doing well and I hope you are still enjoying the blog. Sorry I haven't posted for awhile.

Things That Annoy Me In Korea

Korea is an amazing country and it deserves more credit than it receives but there are a couple of things that really annoy me in Korea.

First off elevators. The Koreans as a race do not understand elevators. You think it would be easy to get...an up button a down button and you push the button for which way you want to go.....no Koreans will push the up button if they are on the fourth floor and they want to go to the first floor. So when the elevator reaches the fifth floor there are people waiting for me to get on so they can ride it down with me.....I don't know if Koreans simply enjoy riding the elevator, maybe it is their own little slice of disney land "the tower of doom" or if they fear that if they don't get on the elevator on the fourth floor it will pass them on the way back down. Regardless of where Koreans want to go they will push both buttons as if to deceive the other travelers of their true destination. I really don't understand it but I know that going from the first floor to the fifth floor takes ten minutes longer than it should with people getting on at every floor. Another great thing they do is they forget to push the button for the elevator to stop at the floor. You will literally be in a line of about ten people waiting to get on the elevator until you watch the elevator pass you by. Then you look at the buttons and none of them are pushed. Koreans understand touch phones and computers but when it comes to elevators they are like "what is the maddening technology. Up and down buttons to take you to different floors....ludicrous." I think Korea is the only country that should sit their children down and have a training course for elevators. They will get a little certificate that says they are capable of operating the elevators "deceiving and complicated controls." I think only then should Koreans be allowed to ride elevators.

Another thing that annoys me in Korea is the sirens and constant sound. The history of Korea is extensive but let me break down the short version. Korea lead an isolationist policy in the 19th century. Korea was occupied by Japan who did terrible things to them almost as bad as what Hitler did to the Jews. They never talk about it but it happened and Japan still wont apologize for it. (research it if you want). World War 2 and the Korean War happened and Korea became divided into two zones. Russian occupied North which became communist and American occupied South which became democratic. Shortly after that speakers were invented and were introduced to Koreans. That is when the democratic south decided that it was necessary to wire every inch of South Korea with loud speakers. They enjoyed speakers so much that they made it mandatory for every fruit truck to have loud speakers on them. So the morning has never been so much fun. Every morning I wake up to fruit trucks that I image sound the same as the Nazis attacking. Sirens that sound very similar to bomb raid sirens sing symphonies over the beautiful pristine landscape of Korea. I think if North Korea actually attacked Koreans would have no clue because every morning sounds like we are being invaded. Imagine waking up to bomb raid sirens with fruit trucks screaming some foreign language at you. For the first few months I ran outside in my boxers with my hands up assuming that it was over for me and I chose the wrong country to teach in. Yep it's great...and the only place that I have found without music playing was on top of a mountain and a river trekking hike I went on. You have to really dig into nature to get away from it. Pop music plays from every corner of Korea....it would be comparable to Americans enjoying elevator music so much that they would say "hey why don't we play this music throughout the entire land every day." We can just hook these speakers up to all the light polls" Then old Jim Bob said "Well shucks Billy that right there might be the brightest idear I've heard since that Joseph Smith told us about Mormonism." Regardless it is really annoying and highly unnecessary. I don't like hearing background music everywhere I go and if I wanted to know what was the hottest most horrific pop song on the charts right now I simply need to step outside.

Super Heroes

Its funny how we always imagine abilities in the laziest of manners. Superman's gift of flight and indestructible body was given to him at birth. To fly Superman must exhort no physical effort, and flying around the world doesn't make him even break a sweat. To depict Superman realistically he should be wheezing and coughing up blood after circling the Earth. The truth is that powers in our mind are the same as hitting the lottery. It is a goal that is attained without no real effort. We have this perpetual belief that something will happen to us by sitting on a sofa. It reiterates our laziness as a society. Hitting the lottery gives you millions without ever working for it as does gaining a power from a freak accident that requires no exertion. Powers in comics seem more entertaining if they are accompanied with no hard work and perseverance. We idolize the work free life style and fantasize about its existence. It is our escape from our bleak reality. This is where superman and other heroes annoy me. Who is the winner of a jackpot to decide who lives and who dies. They have no real character until they began their journey. It takes a great man to realize his mistakes and try and correct them. Knowing that he has made mistakes in the first place shows his character that he is not bad but has chosen wrongly. In fact Villains are the ones who go through some terrible trial that creates character. Take Lex Luthor and Superman....Lex Luthar was a very intelligent man who had drive and vision. He was smarter than 99 percent of our population and worked hard for his goals. Superman is very naive and just figures he has these powers so he handles Lex as an adolescent teenager would. He underestimates his enemy. Lex Luthor takes advantage of that point and that is why the battles are most often won by Lex Luthor himself. Superman wins the war because the people love a hero. Humanity helps him in some way and takes down the "evil villain". We depict the hero as a dumb jock that walks blindly into traps being naive and even arrogant in his mannerisms. Why is it that we depict our heroes as the idiots that we say are wise but they always get tricked. Most of the times the villains are the intelligent ones. They devise elaborate plans for their success....each move is calculated precisely and executed. It is like we are sending the message to be an idiot or you'll be a villain. On the other hand we are rewarding the half retarded lottery superhero that obsesses over a woman that he couldn't get before the powers. Lets give hope to all the stalkers out there. Thats a good message. I think the underlying messages here are very perverse. I talked about this with my girlfriend and she brought up the fact that we also portray the Devil as an intelligent God of the Underworld. In many of the stories God is tricked by the cunningly clever Devil. Now the Devil would normally win after he executes his plan....but again just like the other stories one of Gods servants that he had faith in saves him. I know that usually we say in these stories that God is really just testing someone he loves and at any time he could escape from the Devils evil scheme. I guess in a way it is making humanity realize that the good guy needs help in return. That all of us are important and have the ability to help a man with incredible powers. Maybe even that everyone no matter how powerful they are can't save the world and may need our help from time to time. I know their are plenty of cases that probably contradict what I just said but if you think about it you will understand the picture I'm trying to depict.

Best Food to Order in Korea with description.

This list of food is pretty much my bible in restaurants. This will help you if you would like to go to a Korean restaurant anywhere in the world. Below are the best foods with descriptions and how spicy they are.

Ja Ja Myeong (pronounced m- sound then young) - this is noodles with a black curry on top. The curry has cut up vegetables and pork in it. I recommend eating this amazing meal with the food below.

Tung Su Yu (toung sue you) - This is essentially sweet and sour pork. It is amazing when combined with Ja Ja Myeong.

Nang Myeong - This is a great dish in the summer. A lot of foreingers don't like it but if you do it is as addictive as crystal meth. It is cold noodles in a vinegar type broth. The noodles are very thin and soak up the broth perfectly.

Boodae chigae (boo day chee gay) - this dish was actually created through fusion and now is traditional. It was made during the war where the Koreans were given all sorts of canned meat including spam. They would mix all the spam and rice noodles into a spicy broth with ramen. It created a wonderful mix. This dish is very spicy so if you have sensitive taste buds then stay away. This is also one of my favorite dishes. We call it hot dog soup.

Soon Du Boo (Soon Do Boo) - This is a great dish and also good if you are a vegetarian. It is a red spicy broth with lots of silky tofu and one clam. The broth is amazing. We call it silky tofu soup.

Kimchi Chigae - This is a very traditional soup with lots of cooked kimchi and pork or tuna fish. If you don't like Kimchi then I wouldn't recommend trying this one first. I love it and think it has a different taste but go with the others first. Then come back to Kimchi Chigae.

Curry Rice - You cannot go wrong with asian curry. It is by far one of the best curries in the world. If you are a fan of curry then you have to try Korean or Japanese curry it will blow your mind. I recommend having it on top of the next dish.

Dunkas (dun kass)- also known as chicken katsu in Japan. This is a paddy of fried pork with a sweet brown apple sauce on top. I recommend eating it with curry on top. It is delicious both ways though.

Pa Jueong (pa jong but make the j sound like your drunk and slurring it.) - this is a seafood pancake that is quite delicious. Another vegetarian dish if you can eat fish. It is like a seafood pizza.

Be ji chigae (bee G Chee Gay) This soup is like a red slop soup. It reminds me of red looking apple sauce or vomit. It has bits of pork inside and it tastes amazing. This is also one of my favorites.

Jay Youk Dok Bop - This is pork in some kind of red sweet and spicy curry with vegetables thrown over rice or next to it. This is an amazing meal as well.

Aisle Bop - This is unbelievable but it sounds disgusting. It is rice mixed with fish eggs and spices. A must try if you go to Korea.

Dial chi Aisle - This is a snack food. Same thing as aisle bop but is a rice ball that you can eat filled with fish eggs. Unbelievable as well.

Kam Ja Tong - (Another drunken Ja slur and the rest is regular) - this is my favorite in Korea. This is pork on the bone that melts in your mouth. It is a very traditional meal and if you have ever been a vegetarian this meal will make you throw up. Not for the non meat lovers.

Shabu Shabu - this is a fun sounding dish and it is excellent. Imagine if you may a giant bowl of broth where they bring you vegetables and then thinly sliced beef on the side. You first throw the vegetables in then you began dipping the thinly sliced meat into the broth. After you have eaten all the vegetables, meat, and broth. They refill the wok looking bowl with more broth and then noodles and wontons. Then you eat the noodles after they are cooked. Finally they remove the bowl and put a thin layer of rice on every inch of it that is soaked in with everything that has been cooked before it. You eat that and you are finished. It is a fun and amazing meal.

Om rice - this is simple it is just an omelet over fried rice. It is delicious and simple.

Cheesy Ramyeon - easy ramen that they add an egg to and a slice of cheese they make the broth amazing and it is very cheap.

Tok Galbi (Talk Gal Bi) - VERY VERY SPICY BUT ONE OF THE BEST THINGS IN KOREA. I can't eat this anymore because I cry on the toilet. The best going in the worst going out. It is chicken in a spicy paste covered with cheese and cooked. then they cover the cooking dish with rice like the shabu shabu.

Tsung Pioa Cheem - (the hardest food in the world to pronounce. These sounds don't exist for english speakers. Heres my try. the t and s together is like a high hat noise and then ung next pee ou as in ouch. and then cheem is easy) This is available at all the places that have Kam Ja Tong. Order one of these and one kam ja tong with a group. If you don't know how to say it just say the black spicy noodles. They are sweet potato noodles in a black spicy sauce with pieces of pork just like the kam ja tong. It is unbelievable.

Bulgogi - this is a favorite to americans you can get it in a broth and also on rice. It is just sweet flavored beef. It is really good but I don't ever get it. It is overrated I think....but then again i like kimchi and a lot of the foreigners hate it. But if your looking for something non interesting and safe go with bulgogi.

Galbi - (Korean BBQ) Korean BBQ is great and a lot of fun. Get the fatty pork called san gulp sal (the sal is like salt without the t) It is really good. I love the BBQ in Korea but the actual korean restaurants with the traditional meals are better.

Mandu - Dumplings that are really good. Street food.

Then go to every street food place they are always serving something delicious.

Oh and gimbop. This is a sushi roll with radish, ham, egg, and whatever else you want. I usually get chamchi which is tuna. But go wild. It is very easy and they have millions of different kinds.

That's it I hope this helps. It took me awhile to put it together. But now others can experience all the great foods from korea.

oh and DONT EAT DOG. They beat the dogs and keep them in cages. They beat them daily because it tenderizes the meat. There are a lot of people that want to try it and the Koreans will tell you it is delicious but you are contributing to something terrible. If they raised the dogs like cows it would be ok but they beat them as much as possible to make more muscle and make the meat better.

I Wonder

I wonder about a lot of sick things to keep my mind entertained. Here are a couple of things I have wondered about lately

I wonder if South Korea had played North Korea in the World Cup what would have happened. I imagine that the North Koreans would host the half time show where their marching band would form a submarine on one side and the South Korean Cheonan Navy Patrol Ship on the other. Then the submarine would deploy a torpedo that sinks the patrol ship while the North Korean crowd cheers wildly.

I wonder about this guy that created TOM shoes. I really want to buy some because he donates a pair to children in poor countries. Everyone is talking about this saint lately. I like to think of a child in Somalia that looks terribly malnourished....his stomach caved in so his ribs look as though they are going to break free of the translucent layer of skin holding them in. Then I imagine this guy (we will call him Tom to make things easier) Tom giving this starving child a pair of shoes. Then I think the child would say something along the lines of...."Oh shoes....um I could use some food or money but hey now at least I can walk comfortably to the market to look at the food that I can't buy." Or maybe they would ask Tom if they were edible.

I will post more on this later.

Im also going to start making some top ten lists of things to do, eat, and places to go in Korea that should be beneficial to anyone coming to spend time in Korea

Why I Don't Decorate

I think the reason that I don't ever properly take care of my temporary environments is that I don't see the point in it. Up to this point in my life I have been just visiting places for a year or a year and a half at most. True, in college I stayed for three years in one spot but I moved apartments from year to year. Most people spend lots of money on their immediate environment to either make it comfortable for themselves or to say to people that walk in 'hey this is who I am'. Some people feel that their possessions say what kind of person they are so they decorate their places accordingly. For me, I have never felt the need to deck out my place. I don't see the purpose in it, because I know that in a year or two I will be selling everything or giving it away to get maybe an eighth of what I spent on it. Why go through all that stress if you are just staying somewhere for a year. The day I buy my own house that I know I will be staying in for at least eight to ten years is the day that I began buying the decor. As of now I spend my money on other people in these temporary environments. Is all I need to stay happy is something to write with and a bed. So I end up probably blowing more money than these other people but I blow it on good times and adventures. I think it is a worthy investment. Rather than buying crap that people will see and go hey thats some nice crap and Ill say thank you Im looking to get rid of it in eight months when I leave. It cost me a fortune and I'll sell it for nothing. They light up inside and get their kicks when someone notices the hard work they spent on making their surroundings perfect. This is where these people get off. So if you see someone that obviously spent a decent amount of time on their place make a conscious effort to mention it. They will appreciate it more than you think. I would rather not put up with the stress of running around town looking for the perfect coffee table that has Zachery written all over it....oh oh and that couch that I can tell a great story of how hard it was to get and that it was the last one left....and don't forget the great deal I got on a sofa chair where the guy marked it down from five hundred dollars to three hundred because he liked me. I say go to a place and explore for fun not for errands. You will never truly live in the country that you are in if you are that concerned with making your temporary environment say something about yourself. I am living in Korea as you know and I think it's funny how some people buy all this worthless crap to fill their places. I found a bookshelf and a storage container in the garbage and they seem to be working just fine. You are not trying to make a place like home you are trying to experience something foreign so spending time in my place is the last thing I want to do. I want to sleep in a temple under the stars, I want to sleep at the Jisang rock festival in a tent that I rented with other koreans, I want to sleep on a ferry boat on route to Jeju island, I want to sleep on a beach in Busan and wake up with sand in my ears, and I want to sleep in a cheap love motel in the heart of Seoul. I could care less about what my place looks like because half the time I don't want to see it.

IM RICH

Waking up today was a little more interesting than usual.  I actually didn't know what reaction to have in the situation that was presented to me in the wee hours of the morning.  I usually (don't ask me why) start the day by scratching both my front and my rear....not to itch but more of a comfort because I've done it every since I was young.  Today when i ventured to the rear a coin fell out of my crack and into my hand.  It was 100 Korean Won which is equivalent to about 8 cents in the US.  Immediately afterwards I jumped up and wrote down everything I had eaten the day before....because obviously I had discovered the exact ingredients of how to defecate money.  My body was my test tube and I figured my rear must have been the catalyst for this reaction.  I then began running tests on potential damages   of defecating Korean Won and if my money producing body could create inflation seeing as though my bottom was comparable to the federal reserve in America.  I also plotted out my retirement and how often I would have to go to the restroom to become a millionaire.  So if anyone needs a loan just let me know.

Lantern Festival in Seoul

Drums illuminate the soul as bellowing base beats ooze from the cities core.  Flickering lanterns pour out of dark alley ways amassing like droplets would on a leaf.  They collide and flow like a river now on the main street of Insadong.  Brilliant lanterns and lotus flowers with vibrant colors of every array dance rhythmically atop their puppet masters below.  The buildings towering along the main street are mere embankments to prevent the glowing river from breaking free of it's formation.  Buddhas birthday whether you be Buddhist or not is an unbelievable experience.  Starting and ending at Jisang temple where three mammoth Buddhas sit as big as the Lincoln Memorial.  The lotus lantern festival is one of the most spectacular festivals in Seoul.  Traditionally lotus lanterns were lit to symbolize religious devotion and to confirm the next years commitment of performing good deeds.  The lights symbolize the hope in illuminating the darkest parts of the world.  Lighting the evil that swims, spawns, and feeds in darkness and negativity.  All of the lanterns are given out for free at any of the temples in Seoul.  The night is filled with celebrations including dancing, singing, and eating.  Three things that I am very good at.  Well except for singing but I enjoy it a lot.  Anyways if you ever come to Korea the lantern festival is a must see.

Earth Hour

Alright, one of the fun parts about being a teacher is you get to learn while the children are learning.  We read different articles that are much more interesting as an adult.  One of the articles the other day just made me laugh though....it was about Earth Hour.  For those of you that don't know what earth hour is I will tell you.  Earth Hour is one hour where people around the world are supposed to turn off their power and electronic devices.  Some entire cities have begun to participate like Sydney, Australia.  The purpose being to show mother earth that we care about it and the effects of global warming.  We care about the damage we are causing the earth we live on.  Ok, in one year there is something like eight thousand seven hundred hours and we are showing mother earth how much we care by giving her one hour for all that she has provided for us.  We might as well have made it a minute.  I sometimes pray for more radical environmentalists and vegetarians.  Where are the vegetarians who kidnap the babies of slaughter house owners and eat them to protest against veal.  Where are the ones that dress up as a cow and light themselves on fire in front of McDonalds.....or how about the vegetarian who eats him or herself live on webcam in protest to eating other animals.  Where are all of the crazy environmentalists that want to bomb us back to the stone ages.  Corporate America has just bought the new age yuppie environmentalists for an hour.  We have become so complacent in todays day and age.  We keep on getting screwed over so much that we forget how good we had it.  Eventually we become accustomed to things being terrible so much so that when the time arises that they give us a little back, not only are we happy but we feel like we have managed to fight a good fight.  The corporate world even joins in and helps out with this new commercial event after knowingly smiling about the fact that after all the rioting and protest they only had to give us an hour to put a smile on our face.  In fact Nelly Fortado put on a concert using man powered energy so people could have a blast during Earth Hour.  Earth Hour could be beneficial if people spent that hour running bomb raids on power plants.  Instead I guarantee people are saying in towns..."hey have you prepared for earth hour?"  or "What are you going to do to prepare for Earth Hour this year?"  People go and buy a hundred candles to have fun and think that they did their part in helping the earth show that they care.  The earth doesn't need one hour out of your busy schedule it needs a decade or a century just to barely begin to undo the millions of ways we have raped it.  I know that people will say that this is at least a start but it's that same carefree mentality that lets corporate America have the upper hand.  By the end we are going to be eating chicken feed out of their hands.  At least we could have had Earth Day.  My friend said that that would be impossible to do because so much of our lives rely on technology.  It's not impossible we could live without lights and power in our houses for a week no problem.  Maybe our work places could keep everything on but if you wanted to show mother earth that you care then give it the respect it deserves.  If I was the earth and I found out that people were giving me an hour out of their whole year to tell me they care then I would be performing earth quakes and volcanoes with the likes that no one has ever seen before.  I know some people will get the idea of what Earth Hour is supposed to represent and they'll reflect on ways that they need to change in this hour...but they should do that every day.  Knowing what people are like though now a days I think that most people will turn off their lights for an hour and have fun with candle light and then say they did their share to show they care and go back to living the exact same way, not think anything of it until next years commercial Earth Hour.  This event is retarded in my opinion but obviously if you celebrate it Im not calling you retarded.  I'm just saying to use it in the way it was intended, which is to find ways to change your life to help out the earth.  In my opinion though it makes all of humanity look like inconsiderate assholes.  It belittles us as human beings and destroys what little self respect we had left as a species.....what I'm really trying to say is that I will be attending Earth Hour next year.  Hopefully their will be a concert featuring Fall Out Boy.  (For those of you who like Fall Out Boy I have only one thing to say to you....have some self respect)  Im going to rage against global warming in that hour while singing Fall Out Boy with a giant candle in my hand....hopefully by then they will have electronic candles running off nuclear power.   During the raging concert Im going to make sure to litter as much as possible which is what everyone does at concerts to say "hey mother earth I care."  Have you seen the grounds after a concert.  Could you imagine after a Nelly concert all the garbage that people leave?  Sounds like a great time...I hope to see you there.

Respect

I feel young and naive on one subject in Korea.  My inadequate attempts to understand respect have been truly genuine but I simply lack this instinctive tradition.  If Korea was looked at as an entity, a human body so to speak, then respect would be the life blood that pumped and flowed through its veins.  Respect is displayed by foreigners as theatrics, posing as if they truly understand what they are barely aware of with awkward bravado that brushes from the skin as easy as sand.  I put on the penny show knowing that it will make them comfortable but they know and I know that I don't truly understand what the hell is going on.  Within the confines of their social networks the Koreans operate as Italian Mafia.  Each elder is a Don Corleone among their social pyramids.  Respect is force fed at birth and drank like water upon maturity.  Take age for example.  What most foreigners don't know is that the reason why Koreans are one year or two years older is not because they operate on the lunar calendar, which they do, but it is because they count the nine months that they grew inside their mothers womb.  They respect life when they are nothing but an embryo.  Your age is your status in this foreign reality.  A non smoking sign is merely a deterrent for the new generation.  These signs mean nothing to an elder and they shall do as they please.  No matter where you are and in what situation if an older man in his fifties pulls out a cigarette then the so called non smoking establishment will pull out ash trays from the back and not only give him one but encourage him to smoke as many as he pleases.   As an elder you are god among the youth.  I being American and not even part of the culture have been bowed to and I mean a ninety degree bow to where I could rest a plate on the child's back and eat off of it.  There are many pros and cons to this system and since I am living in Korea I will tell you some of the pros first.  The degrees of how it effects day to day life ranges from the simplest form to the most radical.  A very simple way that Koreans respect each other in which I think should be implemented all over the world is that every Korean puts their phone number under the front windshield of their car.  I asked foreigners about this and they said it was for insurance.  Real quick if you ever come to Korea find out answers for yourself because a lot of Americans here have skewed views of the Koreans.  Anyways the number is for one sole reason, and that is that you can park anywhere illegally in Korea, whether it be on the front lawn of the presidents house or the busiest street in downtown Seoul and you will not be towed because people will call you first and tell you if it is an inconvenience for them.  They respect each other enough to give the common courtesy of a phone call to say hey can you please move your car, it's in my way.  Usually though no one will even bother you.  My friend Dong Ho and My friend Ju Young have both told me how nice it is and how many times they had their cars towed in other countries because they parked somewhere wrong for thirty minutes....oh and if you happen to be someone that is very naive that is reading my blog and are thinking well Korea probably doesn't have as big of a population as other major cities.  Think again Seoul is one of the top ten largest cities in the world with a population much denser than any of the other cities.  Oh and also they don't have to pay for meters when they park.  Now for one of my other favorites in dealing with respect.  The reason why the children wear a uniform to school is so that no matter how rich your parents are or poor your parents are you will be seen as equal among the students and faculty.  No one is given more privilege or less privilege than another.  It is something that the Japanese call face.  It is where even if you are a janitor at a nice company they make you wear a business suit so that everyone that enters and leaves the building is given the respect that anyone and everyone deserves.  This spirals off into giving others more self esteem and not feeling worthless because they aren't as well off as others.  No one is treated differently.  The only problem with the idea behind the uniform today is that they allow children to bring their cellphones to school which is a sign of their status in a way.  The rich kids spend as  much money as possible on better phones and it become evident who doesn't have as much money.  In Avalon, it is determined by not only their cell phones but their dictionaries which I assure you are not just your average run of the mill computer dictionaries.  These dictionaries probably have the capability of launching their own satellite and communicating with alien life forms.  All I have seen so far though is that they can take pictures, play video games, watch movies, listen to music, and obviously look up english words when they aren't having the time of their lives on them.  So the idea behind the uniforms was good before say eight years ago but now it is changing with the times.  So many beautiful traditions crumble to the cancer of technology.  I can't complain though because I love technology.  

I almost had an orgasm when I saw the new release of the tablet.  My mom isn't a slave to technology but she is a MAC slave which means that her and all of her friends will have a tablet within the next month or so, only knowing how to operate maybe five percent of what the machine is capable of but loving every minute of it.  Giving a MAC to an old person is like giving it to a monkey because they both learn to only scratch the surface of it.  I think if parents saw what their kids could do with an original x-box they would probably have a brain aneurism.  This is why MAC is so beautiful because it sells people an image, not a product, an image.  It makes them feel unique, clean cut, eloquent, and more intelligent.  I will give it to old Bill the man has destroyed the competition making us the i-generation.  The truth is that mp3 players were out far before the I-pod that were far better and 100 times easier to tamper with.  They didn't market well enough though.  The dinosaurs of mp3 players were a thing of beauty though because they allowed you to put songs onto your player and then transfer every gigabyte of music you had to someone else's computer with ease.  Could you imagine what it would be like if everyone had one of these other mp3 players.  Your home computer list would be flawless....but nooooooooooo everyone has an i-pod which is the first mp3 player that blocked that ability so people couldn't share their music easily.  Once I-pods dominated the market it was only a matter of time before everything else they sold was golden.  I have heard great things and terrible things about i-phones and I have never wanted to get one....but for the first time I do want something they are slinging and that is that cool looking giant i-phone known as the tablet.  The tablet is more of a guilty pleasure I think for most people because all of our lives people have beaten it into our heads not to touch the screen.  Touch anything but the screen and now the tablet is saying touch away.  Use your fingers to your hearts desire.  These devices are so user friendly, which is the only reason my (bless her heart) technology retarded mother can use them.  I still remember that not long ago there was a time that the TV wasn't working and my mothers answer to the problem was saying and I quote "did you try turning the TV on.  Yes SHE can use an i-phone.  (No offense mother I love you to death) Good job Bill.  

Back to respect though.  The bad parts about respect are very evident in the society.  Remember this is all changing because time changes everything but as of now many Koreans have the older mentality.  Koreans say that you can never truly be friends with someone older than you.  They call the people older brothers and sister but they are never true friends.  No matter what because they always have to use respectful words and can never truly be close.  This is not my ideology this is what all the koreans that I have met have told me.  In baseball they always laugh at me because I put my arm around the older guys and most of them dont mind but some of them have told me straight up that they are older than me.  This happens a lot because their is boundaries with age.  This same situation plays out in dating as well.  It not as prevalent in dating but it still exists.  Also as the younger person in any sport you become the punch line of every joke and you can't say anything back.  Also you have an obligation to clean up after all the older people.  My friend Dong Ho spends every baseball practice picking up balls and cleaning up gear half the time.  I help him out as much as I can but they always tell me not to and that that is his job.  This same situation was seen in boarding school on a day to day basis.  The kids weren't in Korea but they still operated on the same system.  Seniors would have freshmen sophmores and juniors carry their bags to school, get them their lunch, and clean up their sports gear.  So when you are younger you have to work so much harder but you do it knowing that eventually you will get to that stage and everyone will be doing things for you.  You can see how this spirals out to all aspects of life.  Once again though I'm still observing.  I haven't posted in awhile because I have been learning as much as I can before posting on something prematurely.  I hope you enjoy these.  I will start posting on things I have been doing in Korea later and good spots to check out if you ever come.  

Size Matters

Korea has some of the coolest styles of clothing I have ever come across.  The underground shopping malls are Meccas for clothing.  Their are a billion different shops with designer clothes and cheap prices.  I find that in America the nice jackets and sports coats are not made to compliment your body they are made to be loose fitting with the intention of being the same as the stretch pants for pregnant women.  Now granted you can find jackets that make you feel like James Bond but only millionaires can afford them.  It's simple America banks on the fact that everyone is getting fatter so if they make a looser fitting jacket it will sell to a greater variety of shoppers.  I have always wanted to be that guy that looked suave in his perfect pressed suit but I always feel like a bum because a rich guy or a European is there glowing with pizazz and looking like a magazine add for men.  Now I'm in Korea though where these figure fitting jackets and coats are as common as Kimchi in the underground markets.   I was so excited when I first saw them all it was like being a kid at Toys-R-US.  The prices of the clothes are cheap and the quality is good enough.  I went into every store to try everything on, but with widened eyes the store owners told me that I was much to large for their clothing.  Being my size and shopping in Korea is like Godzilla shopping at baby GAP.  Im almost positive that Hulk Hogan bought all of his yellow wife beaters that he could rip off from Korea.  Being tall has little to no advantages in Korea.  First off some Korean women have not only screamed in horror but also jumped out of the way upon seeing me come around a corner.  They also never take the same elevator as me and when they do they stand trembling in the opposite corner as if Im about to rape them.  In fact I didn't even need to dress up on Halloween being white and tall was enough to scare the bejesus out of everyone.  The kids of my baseball teammates start crying while talking to me because they are so nervous.  In my last game I had a man on the opposite team go to shake my hand in the line up and he must have been just looking at everyones feet because when he looked up and saw my size and that I was white he jumped back and grabbed his heart.  The only advantage being tall has had thus far is that I can see everything in the crowded underground.  I tower above everyone like the emergent layer of the rainforest.  the ocean of heads would resemble the canopy layer that spreads out and I can see over it all.  Other than that I say that size matters and being tall in Korea is not a good thing.  I'm sure when I go to their amusement parks the rides will have a sign that says "you must be under this line to ride this ride."  Of course there will be no limitation to how short you could be.  Im sure Willow and all the other midget villagers could live as kings in Korea.  

The Future is Korea

Sky scrapers pierced the clouds like titans standing guard.  I stood motionless as an ant in awe of mans achievements.  Here in Incheon's new city I felt for the first time in my life that I was a mere time traveler from a distant past.  Korea, having been a baby to the world, has finally achieved it's man hood and taken rank among the mammoths of industry.  There is a vision of the vox populi that has driven this pinnacle city into creation where public conveniences mesh with future ideology.  Fascinating bows and oblique beams formed fashionably into architectural miracles.  I have never seen such beauty in buildings.  It was only fitting that the area be named the world of tomorrow.  I strolled into the information hall, both doors automatically parting with a smoothness that tingled my ears.  I entered into an enormous lobby like area.  Pillars of lights that changed colors fluidly, gave a soothing and tranquil atmosphere.  A subtle ambient like music whispered gently to every inch of the first floor.  I was directed to a free tour portraying the new architecture that the city would soon give birth to.  This tour also included a glimpse of the robots that would soon run the thousands of manual labor positions required for the up keep of these giants.  My future lore has been to this point composed of only movies, books, and dreams but only now have I seen first hand what is to come.  The first room on the tour was a replica of a standard middle to upper class living quarters that will be implemented when construction finishes.  The paintings that cluttered the walls were reminiscent of giant i-pod touches.   In the center of the living room sat a table top mainframe or the brain of the house so to speak.  From here one could essentially change the mood, pictures, music, scenery, and any other decor.  I have placed a video of me operating just one function of the brain that I thought was a lot of fun. 

  The next room had a 3D TV in it where you sat in the center of a black ring like bubble and watched your favorite characters come to life jumping off the screen and onto your lap or shoulders.  If I was to ever lose my mind I'd imagine that watching 3D TV would be spot on to what my day to day hallucinations would be like.  I also found out that I can watch a penguin dance on my hand while speaking in Korean for around twenty four hours before getting bored with it.  The only way I can think of describing the next room is by comparing what was in the center to the black plateau from 2001 space odyssey except you could walk inside it.  Once inside it measured your weight, body heat, health, strength, and pretty much the size and color of your underwear.  You told the inanimate lifeless robot what you would like your body to appear like and then it sent data and information to a tread mill next to it and also gave you a schedule of your cardio exercises you would need to commence.  The tread mill although being indoor let you walk in a virtually created environment.  It greeted you in an affectionate tone by name and even gave the eerie appearance of being capable of small talk.  It stuck with the mundane socially retarded conversations such as how are you feeling today?  Or it has been awhile since you have done this hike...do you miss the mountains?  The machine was trying to make this activity as naturalistic as possible to give you the false comfort of actually thinking you were walking outside.  Even though you are truly indoors away from everything that is really human in the world.  The kicker to this whole experience is that you are linked online to millions of other joggers and walkers to where you can walk with someone from the other side of the world on a virtually created mountain.  Hopefully they will implement this technology into the World of Warcraft massive multiplayer online game so that the hours that they spend walking from quest to quest on their character are actually used exercising.  We would have professional gamers that looked like they could have starred in the movie "300".  Honestly then gaming wouldn't be as much of a waste of time as working out would be.  One quick tangent i promise...I really hate socially retarded people that keep coming up to you after you show them a bit of kindness....they hang around starring at you blankly waiting for you to talk to them.  During these times I fantasize about having magic abilities.   Only so I could turn those people into dogs and then pat them on the head and say "good dog" and then go back to work.  Dogs stare at you for hours on end but they are so cute and the reason why they aren't speaking is because they can't.  Back to the Future though, the final room had a white egg looking seat with an LCD touch screen positioned at eye level centered directly in front of you.  A camera sat in three different places surrounding your head and it would digitally recreate your face into a virtual environment.  The reason being that you can test new hair styles, clothes, accessories, and even tattoos if you'd like.  Instead of taking the leap this machine allows you to get an idea of what fashions and styles would look good on you.  I just messed around with the facial reconstruction software.  People in Korea are obsessed with plastic surgery.  I would say about fifty percent of the woman have gotten their eyelids done.  Apparently Asians don't have double eyelids like the rest of the women in the world so they get a surgery to have it.  You wouldn't notice it until someone tells you about it once and then you see it everywhere.  Nose jobs and eye jobs are about as common as churches in Korea.  If one were to leap from a plane to kill themselves in South Korea there is a ninety percent chance they will land on a church, in fact I bet there is a fifty percent chance they would be impaled on a cross.  If they don't land on a church then they land on a plastic surgeons door step.  Anyways with this new nifty little device they can try all the operations they want on their face and body.  

I did a couple of virtual reality tours that were really fun and very involved to where you had a hand device that acted similar to the 3D TV.  At one point there was a virtual fire and an extinguisher appeared in my hands that I had to use on the fire to help out.  It was a lot of fun and you got to use a lot of other cool tools like a fishing rod, a flashlight, and a gun.   I took a picture to give you an idea of what I am talking about.

After the tour was over I took a look at a lot of the robots and what their purposes were.  It was a lot of fun and they even had insect robots too.  I posted pictures below.  

At the end of the tour I decided to take the stairs up instead of down to where an exit sign caught my eye.  The hallway was dimly lit from the flickering neon like sign.  I walked through an almost transparent door that led to a terrace on the roof looking over the entire city.  The night covered my body and my pupils enlarged adjusting to the void of light.  The wind brushed cold against my face but I took no notice to its ploy to pull me from the moment.  I was only operating one sense at that time and I deadened my body in meditation.  All around me were those same titan buildings looking down upon me.  I stood surrounded.  Only at night do they truly show off their true beauty.  Florescent greens and blues climbed their sides decoratively.  It looked like beams of light were raining down from the clouds.  Streams of data being sent from other worlds fell like rain pounding upon the earths surface.  Bridges in the distance looked like communication beacons sending people and coded messages to distant planets in dancing rays of light.  Then I looked at the spectacle below me, it was as if the cities underbelly had been painted with Christmas lights.  They twinkled and shined as if they were an entity of some sort communicating with other light creatures.  In this one moment I simply smiled and exhaled knowing the reason why I had traveled again.  We rarely escape our instilled realities.  We are so consumed with superficial identities that we become them.  Then for some reason we stop searching and journeying.  In these moments that we throw caution to the wind we are perfect and complete.  We are happy like children and filled with laughter that now only whispers within us.  Our joys are sharing these moments with each other and with ourselves.  I hope my blog gives you that extra nudge to leap and free yourself to do what you want.  I hope you find the courage to make the change you've been wanting.  I hope you all have good travels and make great friendships.  Most of all I wish that you find love and happiness wherever you are.  Only when we step back from the rush of our lives do we truly understand what is important.  I'm lucky to have everything I have in my life especially my loving parents who are still happily married and the best brother I could have ever imagined.  I also have the most amazing girl on earth as a girlfriend.  Sorry to get very emotional but I had a dream the other night about my grandmother and it was the first time I actually woke up and cried.  My grandma was alive and walking around a farm.  I was following her close as a baby duck would its mother.  I knew she was getting close to dying and I felt scared and deathly afraid of losing her.  We had a giant goose that had characteristics of a grandmother too.  It really loved my grandma more than it loved anyone on the farm....it was actually now that I think about it mother goose.  She had beautiful grey curly hair and wore glasses that hung on the tip of her bill.  She kept on nuzzling her head onto my grandmas side because she loved her so much and she wanted her to be happy in her final moments.  The goose kept on helping her if she had trouble walking.  Finally I thought it was so amazing and adorable that I asked my grandma if I could take a picture of her doing it.  I started crying really bad knowing it was a fleeting moment and that I would never see her again.  She just looked at me and smiled warmly....but the goose got very angry when I took the picture.  The goose would show up as a stuffed animal bear and my grandmother didn't look the same either, her face was distorted in the picture.  I was so consumed with trying to capture the moment on film that I wasn't enjoying every second of it.  I think the dream was saying that you can't capture beautiful moments like this, so experience them as fully as possible so that they stay with you forever.  I love you all.  I hope everyone is doing well.

This was a TV in a balloon that kids could hit like a pinata.  It was pretty much indestructible 

Guam My Love

It was Tuesday afternoon after my second class when my boss informed me of my travel plans to Guam to pick up my work visa.  Normally I would care about this flight itinerary given to me at the last second, but seeing as though I was flying to an island paradise during my normal work schedule, it didn't bother me in the least bit.  I packed what I could and headed to the airport Wednesday afternoon.  Fortunately on the flight they sat me next to a Chinese guy that I was sure had the swine flu.  He couldn't stop coughing, so I kept a pillow over my face until we landed.  I dont know why I did that because I should have welcomed the swine flue.  They would have had to quarantine me in the most beautiful paradise I have ever seen on American soil called GUAM.  I found it humorous that the minute I got out of the airport I took a picture of the first palm tree I saw.  Why is it that when we have been away from a beach for so long that we find such comfort in seeing the palm trees?  I think it is a symbol of freedom and peace from the rush of society.  I was hoping that no one saw me take the pictures of the palm trees but if anyone did I definitely outed myself for an extra 20 dollar charge for the taxi.  I only had to spend literally an hour in all to take care of my visa and then I had two whole days and nights in Guam.  This is a paradise that not many people know about.  The island is littered with vacant beaches, waterfalls, beautiful flowers, palm trees, good food, and luxurious resorts.  I rented a beach bomber which was around 25 bucks per day.  The car was beaten down by the millions of previous occupants.  The steering wheels ragged rubber had been eroded by the sun's rays and the seats were torn and tattered.  It sat comfortably as I imagine those lazy boys do after years of being worn in by their owners.  It was as if it was a grandfather of vehicles and had provided many people with joys and adventure throughout its time.  Now I sat snug as a child would upon this grandfathers lap for one more horsy adventure ride.  It was just what I needed, knowing that I would be wearing soaked board shorts half the time.  Plus one could essentially drive around the whole island in two hours so gas wasn't an issue.  Let me say first off that if you are going to plan a good island trip from Korea, you should go to Guam.  I would even go so far as to say to enter the country illegally in the hopes that you will have to be sent to Guam to get your visa.  The island was honestly built by the gods themselves.  Everyone speaks english and it still operates without safety regulations, meaning they haven't closed off everything fun and wild to the tourists there.  Everything has the beautiful sign saying "venture at your own risk."  That simple phrase is like a symphony to the travelers ears.  I started off my journey by asking locals about hikes that solo travelers were able to navigate.  Every person I met though sadly told me that without a guide finding eighty percent of the paradises was near impossible.  I was told about two that were maybe doable and also to take a journey around the south side of the island for beaches.  I bought a map for five dollars and started on route to the tarzan waterfalls.  The weather in Guam was around 85 degrees and the temperature of the water felt like the baby pool during the summer after hundreds of kids had peed in it.  I also noticed that it rained for five minutes at a time every couple of hours but storms passed as quickly as they appeared and the sun would once again bestow perfect weather upon the island.  I found the entrance to the hike on the side of the road with only one other car parked there.  I threw on my saudi sandals and my backpack and started on the trail.  I found the reason why most of the locals told me that hikes were hard to accomplish solo is because the trails fork every ten feet or so.  I was lost after about five minutes with a two hour hike to the waterfall still ahead.  Surprisingly the horrible action of littering is what helped me navigate these forks...the path that had the most beer cans and garbage was the path that I took.  So I guess in some cases littering can be a blessing for others.  I would like to tell you that I made it to the waterfall and it was wonderful but the litter led me to a giant pile of more litter at an area that more locals went to.  It wasn't the tarzan waterfalls but more of a river with pools in it.  It was beautiful none the less and I took a swim in the warm fresh waters of the island.  My body rejuvenated in the holy waters of the island.  I felt like a true jungle man and or a local of Guam swimming in the pools.  It was just me and nature so the next logical step was to get naked with that nature.  So I began jumping off cliffs and swimming in the nude hoping that Guam wasn't home to any of those friendly parasites that swim into your body when you urinate.  I imagined also that since I was upstream of the tarzan waterfalls, that the tourists who were most likely basking in the cascading waters were enjoying a little extra warmth.  I decided my hike had been a success and that I needed to continue my adventure, so I gathered my belongings and headed back the way I came.  Of course I got lost for two more hours but finally made it to the road.  The locals told me to leave all the doors unlocked and the windows down so that robbers wouldn't break my windows to dig through my car.  I had nothing of value inside anyways so I wasn't really scared of someone giving a look inside.  The sun was getting close to setting so I decided to take a drive down south to where all the beautiful picturesque beaches were.  I have never seen so many perfect coves and beaches in my life with no one on them.  They were completely deserted and I stopped at to many of them to count.  I would swim around and then jump back into my car, wet like a dog, and continue to another.  I enjoyed the sunset in the nude on a beach that reminded me of the movie called the beach.  It had a sandbar that went a hundred feet or so out into the crystal blue water.  The water was reminiscent of the waters in Greece or the Bahamas for the visibility must have been a million miles.   I laid on a quality inn towel I had taken from my hotel enjoying the last few minutes of the suns warmth and the islands beauty before continuing on my way.  The roads were dark and windy and just like my old honda civic the rentals lights were awful.  They barely lit the road five feet ahead of me so I drove cautiously and tailed other cars with working headlights as often as possible.  I sat snug against their rears as a baby duck would its mother.  Finally I got to the more touristy part of the island thats streets were lit with the blinding lights of the resorts.  I figure if your going to ruin the spectacle of space that we rarely take notice to anymore these days with light pollution then it might as well be because of a luxurious resort.  I had heard that Pacific Island Club had one the greatest pools so I decided to sneak in and take advantage of my skin color.  I walked through the lobby without question and followed the signs I saw to the pool.  I walked a concrete path that was lit with tiki torches over a bridge and into the most enormous pool grounds I have ever seen.  I should say I entered into a water park because that is what it resembled.  It had pools as far as the eye could see with water slides and waterfalls everywhere.  There was a water polo game going on in one pool and a water basketball game going on in the other.  I threw my clothes off and headed toward a stair case that hugged tight to one of the waterfalls.  At the entrance were hundreds of boogie boards that anyone was free to take as they pleased.  I grabbed one and headed up the tiki lit stone stairway with the roaring sound of a water slide near.  I reached a plane with two whirlpool hot tubs and an entrance to a water slide but curiosity wouldn't let me end this journey prematurely.  I was like some sort of beast  or vampire thats hunger could only be filled with the most radical water slide the world had ever seen.  I located another set of steps that led even further up which I excitedly sprinted up girlishly laughing the whole way.  I arrived at the top where I stood in awe of the resorts beauty.  I felt like I had just found the home that the swiss family robinson had been building since their last movie.  I sat on a smooth man made impersonation stone, enjoying that nights spectacles of cultural fire shows, dances, and songs as I soaked in the moonlight.  I was completely at peace, the beautiful and intoxicating rhythm of the songs of Guam could have put me to sleep like a baby if it wasn't for the raging sound of the beastly water slide that sat to my rear.....WATER SLIDE, oh my god I had forgotten my main objective of finding the water slide.  I quickly jumped to the floor, boogie board in hand, as i stared down into the belly of the beast.  No lifeguard sat safely beside this colossus.  It was like an untamed, unclaimed, and undiscovered water slide.  I launched myself with all the energy I could muster from my quivering limbs and down the slide I went.  I felt like I had just found the water slide from the goonies.  I barreled down it on my jet like boogie board pulling Mach 2 around every turn and feeling the G's.  All of that pizza and insular behavior was really my body in training for this sole moment.  Some may call me overweight and disturbing to look at.  The SR-71 Blackbird was also said to be ugly on the ground with it's corrugated skin but the aircraft was designed to fly and not be observed and judged superficially for only when flying above the world does it truly show it's beauty.  It's skin expands and it's body elongates allowing it to fly.  Water slides welcome the obese and in their world the bigger the better so therefore on this water slide i was king.  In America many people see others resembling whales at water parks and quickly assume that they don't take care about themselves and that they should be embarrassed wearing those bathing suits.  Ahhhh to the untrained eye they do appear as lazy obese souls that let themselves go long ago but they are truly wolves in sheep's clothing for only on a water slide do you see what their body was truly intended for.  Only then do you see how beautiful they really are.  You wouldn't call a sumo wrestler a fat lazy talentless Japanese man.  No because just as they have crafted their body to fight the whales at water parks have crafted theirs to slide.  So now I soared over and over again down this heavenly water slide until I had proved my dominance over it.  After wards I bathed my victorious body in the waterfalls and whirlpools of champions that the pool provided.  I finished off the night by playing a game of free putt putt, sleeping for an hour in a hammock under the stars, and laying out on a lawn chair covered in towels.  I finally left back for my hotel for a good nights rest for tomorrows exploration.  

I woke up early and set out to explore some of the touristy spots seeing as though it was my final day on the island.  I started off by traveling up to "Two Lovers Point."  I recommend it to anyone that travels here.  

"The legend states that when spain ruled Guam, a proud family lived in Agana, the capital city.  The father was a wealthy Spanish aristorat and the mother was a Chamorro (the locals of Guam), whose father was a great chief.  They owned land and were held in high esteem by all, Chamorro and Spanish alike.  However, the best reason for their pride and dignity was their beautiful daughter.  She was honest, modest; her charm so natural that her beauty impressed everyone around her.

One day, a powerful, arrogant Spanish captain came to ask the father for his daughter's hand in marriage.  The proud father decided that the captain would be his daughter's husband.  When the girl discovered this, she was so disillusioned that she ran from the house and wandered along the shore where the sea soothed her with its silence and peace.

While walking along the shore, she met a young, gentle, strongly- built and handsome Chamorro man from a very modest Chamorro family.  He was lost in his own solitary thoughts, his gentle eyes seemed to be studying the lonely stars and seeking some meaning to his life.  They fell in love, sharing their thoughts and desires.  When the father of the girl learned about the two lovers, he became angry and demanded that she marry the powerful Spanish captain.  No one could keep the father from announcing the date of the marriage to the Spanish captain.  That day, at sundown, she stole out of the house to meet the Chamorro boy who loved her.  She joined him near the high point where they had first met and watched the stars appear. 

When the father discovered that his daughter was gone, he told the captain that his daughter had been kidnapped by the Chamorro boy.  The father, the captain and all the Spanish soldiers pursued the lovers up to the high cliff above Tumon Bay.  The horsemen slowed down their pace as they neared the high peak because they saw that the lovers were trapped.  The lovers knew there was one thing left for them to do.  The boy shouted a warning for the men to stay back, and the father signaled the men to halt and to watch.  The couple stood at the very edge of the cliff. The boy and girl took the long strands of their hair and tied these together into a rope-like knot.  The two acted as if they were absolutely alone.  They looked deeply into each other's eyes and kissed one last time.  In that instant the young couple leaped down the long, deep cliff into the roaring waves.  

When the father looked down over the edge, all he could see was the floating hair of the lovers.  Too late, the father understood the meaning of their hair tied together.  Since that day, the Chamorros look to the jutting peak by Tumon Bay with a kind of reverence.  They are paying respect to the young couple who showed them that real love comes from the entwining of two souls, true to one another in life and in death.  And, forever after the high point on the cliff has been known as "Two Lovers point.""

It is like a Romeo and Juliet story in Guam.  Regardless of what you think about the story though you should see this view.  If I decided to take my own life I would definitely choose to do it off Two Lovers Point for only there upon that cliff do you truly feel that your words will be heard by the heavens.  I have never seen such a beautiful view in my life.  I put some pictures of it below.  

Next I traveled down around the southern tip of the island again but this time with more daylight to guide my way.  I stopped at all of the historical spots and then found the priests pools.  The first warning sign I had seen on my trip was stationed like a scare crow at it's entrance.  It was a government sign saying that the bacteria content of the waters was deemed unsafe and non-swimmable.  Normally I might have heeded it's warning but but seeing a concrete pillar with a concrete slab on top resembling a diving board with a rope ladder leading to the top made me throw caution to the wind.  I put a video of it below.  Enjoy.  I had to jump in three times because the Japanese people I had met had no idea how to take a picture so I finally figured they couldn't mess up video footage.  

I jumped in my car once again but this time covered in flesh eating bacteria and seeing as though lately I have had terrible problems with bacteria infections (strep throat twice and a terrible ear infection) I knew that I needed to find a waterfall to wash off in quickly.  The closest one that I knew would be a for sure success was the touristy Talofofo falls.  I took the trip knowing that it was going to cost 20 dollars to enter but I figured I should check it out.  Luckily I realized that I only had 10 dollars so when I got to the cashier at the entrance I told her about my predicament.  I joked with her briefly and persuaded her to allow me to enter.  She was very kind and waited for the tourists walking by to leave and shortly after told me that it was fine.  I got onto a gondola that led down into the depths of the jungle.  It stopped right next to the waterfalls with beautiful scenic views the whole way down.  A man let me off and I was surprisingly the only one there in this paradise.  I don't know how to describe the emotions and feelings that overcame me because I feel like I wouldn't give this spot justice.  Here is a video and some pictures that might help.  I hope you enjoy. 

I stayed in those pools until the falls closed at six o'clock figuring that the flesh eating bacteria had been completely washed from my body and all of it's orphases.  I rode back up and got into my car.  When I was exiting the turn off I noticed three Chammorians playing volleyball and seeing as though they were short one player I thought that a game of volleyball with the locals would be the perfect way to spend the sunset.  I stopped and asked if I could join in and they happily welcomed me.  They were around 18-20 years old and what they lacked in size they made up in skill.  It was the best game of volley ball I have had in years.  Spikes, digs, bumps, and sets galore.  I thanked them and they thanked me and I went on my way being proud of myself for experiencing the island fully in all of its splendors it had to offer.  I finished up with yep you guessed it Pacific Island Club once again.  I wont bore you with repetition so Ill just say that I entered in a Beach Olympics, soothed myself in rejuvenating waterfalls, and rode the beast of a water slide many times again.  I left Guam sad but happy at the same time.  I wish and hope that everyone gets a chance to visit there and I hope you have just as much success as I did.